Yesterday, at Abby's "Play Class," I was having a conversation with the other mothers around the rice table (it's a sand table with rice substituted for the sand). The fact that I was engaging in conversation with ladies I don't know was in itself a step outside of myself.
We were commenting on the ages of our children and what sizes they wore.
Mother #1: My daughter just turned two but she's no longer fitting in the 2Ts.
Mother #2: My daughter's the same way.
Me: Abby just turned 3 and she wears 24 month size.
We kept talking for a few more minutes on this subject.
But soon it turned to birth weights. One commented that her first one was big and the second was bigger. I heard the other say, "Susie was 11.5 pounds but she just popped right out." The conversation continued on to include epidurals and other child birth experiences.
And I wonder if they even noticed that I had stopped talking.
I'm not really sure what to do in those situations. I obviously have no experience with pregnancy and delivery. Before Abby, these conversations would have depressed me.
It did cause me to stop and think about my response - or lack of response.
I am not usually interested to hear of a childbirth story because I have nothing to relate it to in my own life. Nor do I have the hope (anymore) of that experience happening in my life. Dwelling on these things tend to get me down. It's as if I have not had this "right of passage" into womanhood and am therefore disqualified because of it. I guess I am still dealing with this "loss" in my life.
But I AM a mom, and that should count for something. Right?
I guess I could have told the ladies that I WISH I would have had an epidural or other powerful drug to get me through 14 hours in a plane (both ways) to "deliver" my baby. And how we endured culture shock and weird food. And had an 11 month old baby who was so distraut over the whole experience that she cried a lot and wouldn't eat.
But they probably don't want to hear about it cause their experience isn't relative to mine.
I'm still wrestling with this. I don't have the answers, yet. My heart is still healing.
6 comments:
Wow. you have me in tears. don't assume others don't want to hear your experiences though, cause they probably do. I know hearing childbirth stories are hard for you, because of the pain, but the opposite isn't necessarily true though. It would broaden their horizons too. It's not easy to put yourself "out there". You took a big step! I SO understand that. Just cause you Abby didn't come from your body doesn't make you less a mom!! You've certainly gone through the fire and back again with that girl! You are a GREAT mom too! I'm glad you're healing! I love you!
I love you to Linda! What you have gone through is a birth experience all its own! Do be heard It would give them something new to think about....go for it!
In some ways I think you travailed more through waiting and traveling to get your baby than we did with labor and delivery. I truely admire you for being willing to go again. And we like hearing your experiences. Every delivery is different but no less valid. I love you!!
Hearing your heart makes me a better person. I need to hear your heart! Love you!
We are LID 10/16/06 and have 2 bio boys. When I see other women who are pregnant for the 3rd or 4th time or hear some birth stories...it bothers me because even though I have my boys...I also have had 3 loses and that bother me! What you are feeling is totally normal! It is ALL part of our healing process - it's not easy, but we have to remember what we DO have ~ and that is GREAT!
Take care, Joanne
My aunt was adopted, and I loved to hear the story of how my grandparents "picked her out" - how they chose to love her before they even knew her. It was a way more interesting story than labor and delivery to me, and it affected me deeply. Yes, your story has incredible value - motherhood is so much more than a one-time event of birth.
But I do think there are a lot of us who don't know how to broach the subject. People are uncomfortable, and that may be why the ladies just kept on talking - they didn't know what to say. What would be a way to start a conversation about adoption that would not be offensive? That would be helpful to know!
(PS-I came over here by way of Rachel! Nice to meet you!)
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